


Fall

by sacchan



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 02:18:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8126605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sacchan/pseuds/sacchan
Summary: How to make Andrew feel good? How to make his eyes gold? It’s that time of the year to think about nothing but Andrew’s feelings.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I googled a few things, but if you are an expert in this subject like Andrew, please, excuse my imagination that took over, and ignored the facts.

Falling temperature. Falling rain. Falling leaves. Falling mood. That’s how fall usually went by for Neil. If anybody would have asked him to rank the seasons, he would put it at the last spot. Yes, it was nice on pictures with all the red, orange and yellow leaves, and hot coffee from inside a nicely lit room, but that all was a lie. Fall meant dark and mostly no other color than grey. Especially if you lived in a huge-ass city, and only travelled to even huge-asser cities. Spending fall in a city was ugly and nothing more. 

And after spending seven years by Andrew’s side, Neil got more reason to dislike this season. With the passing of summer as the temperature started to drop, Andrew’s mood also fell day by day as November came closer. November with the birthday of the twins. 

Andrew was doing fine. They moved in together, they had solid contracts with the same exy team, they had a cat. _They had a freaking cat_ , yes, Andrew was doing fine most of the time. He didn’t turn into a Nicky, but his mind cut him some slacks. Not during the fall, though. As his birthday approached also did apathy. And Neil couldn’t do much else about it than show acceptance, and wait. It always passed, he just had to wait for Andrew to find his way back to him. He just had to wait for the dark shadows to withdraw from his eyes. 

Andrew’s eyes talked more at these times than his mouth. Neil loved both of them for various qualities – damn, his partner had a talented mouth in a very different way than Neil had –, but he was literally grateful for the way his eyes _worked_. It’s taken a while to figure the language out no matter how good Neil was with those. However, he had time, and he was enthusiastic about the learning process – for Andrew’s inconvenience. 

Neil loved to stare from the beginning, he was confident to claim, he knew every line of Andrew’s face after just two years. Getting to know his eyes, noticing all the shades of those hazel eyes, though, has put the staring business on a level that Andrew hardly could stand.

“I love your eyes.” It started with this innocent statement. 

“Whatever, man.” 

Andrew thought he can get out of this with a grimace and those two words. He was wrong. 

“Has there been a time when you tried to study the shades of your eyes?” asked a very lively Neil after a game they won in a bathroom as they stared at each other in a mirror. 

“You ask so many stupid questions.” 

Oh, he so did. 

“Hey, hey, what’s happening? They are changing shades… it’s getting from light brown to… green? Wao,” sighed the younger in awe. This time he was leaning on Andrew’s chest on the couch, being more engaged in studying his face than the movie they supposedly watched. 

“Shut up.” 

Neil did shut up, he didn’t have the choice to do otherwise as Andrew kissed him very hard, but that couldn’t keep him from staring more. Well, at least not until, Andrew on purpose closed his eyes. 

“Oh gosh, there are yellow dots in the green, dude, how do you even do this? It should be against nature to have such beautif–“

That happened in the house in Columbia during Neil’s third year. They were lying on the wooden floor, had some nice drinks, and Neil was bubbling about their future for hours. When he finally got up on his elbows and looked down to Andrew’s face, he had the same negligent expression as ever. However, his eyes, his eyes showed something new to Neil. That was the first time he saw the golden in Andrew’s eyes, but he got rubbed off the chance of calling it beautiful. That was something Andrew hated to hear. 

A few more months have passed until Neil realized he is allowed to comment on the current shades, he can burst out sentences like, “I love your eyes.”, but it’s not permitted to just simply say “Your eyes are beautiful.” They were together four years by the time Andrew told him the reason on a cold winter night. 

He knew he had beautiful eyes all his life. People kept telling him that. He was in preschool. They couldn’t shut up about the golden dots in the green after slapping him so hard that he cried till his eyes turned red. He was almost nine. He looked into a broken mirror in a dirty bathroom in a rundown house, and realized the golden dots are gone. He was in middle school. They still complimented even the interesting mix of brown and green that left, before turning off the light in his bedroom, so they could go to sleep; together in the same bed. 

Around that time Andrew already stopped trying to force the gold back into his eyes. He’s ceased trying to be happy in the hell that was his life. It made things easier, not caring felt better than suffering over things, but it also put him on the steep slope that lead to darkness. He still had good moments, though, so the green didn’t leave completely like the gold. Not until Cass and Drake anyway. What’s worse? There was a short period when even some yellow started to show up in the mirror. Andrew remembered very well the panic-relief mixture that played on his expression. _I am still capable of feeling good_. It was both scary – he knew way too well the feeling of losing the good things –, and soothing – maybe he was not lost forever. It was just like his life in that house. By the time he met his mother again, he knew the yellow wasn’t him. It was just the sun at the top of that slope, as he turned around to the temptation of it. It was just a reflection, just a _lie_. Just like his life in the hope that house showed him. His has never seen anything else in his eyes since then, but brown. Dark, cloudy brown.

Neil didn’t really need the code breaking about the colors, he already knew what they meant. He already was obsessed with the golden dots. He couldn’t wait to see if they can be more than dots or not. He wanted to know just how close Andrew can get to being _just_ happy. He probably tried too hard for a while, because he got countless eyerolling for the obvious struggle to please the other, but that passed, too. He had all the time of their lives to see through as the possibility turns into reality. 

One thing was very sure, the gold won’t win during falls. Falls were the season of green and brown for them. At least not just brown and darkness, Neil liked to think it was thanks to him. Thanks to him apathy had no chance anymore to rule over Andrew’s mind completely. Neil could distract his memory from repeating the past for him. Neil adored the ability of his partner’s brain, but also feared it. He was grateful for being able to forget. Andrew, however, was robbed of that gift. Looking at him staring into nothing, and imagining him recalling the horrible things that happened to him could break Neil’s heart sometimes.

Birthdays weren’t an easy thing in their relationship. None of them were the celebrating types, which couldn’t be said about their friends. Obviously surprise parties only happened on Neil Josten’s day, but they still couldn’t let Andrew’s pass without any mention either. He got kind words, presents, too, and he couldn’t care less. 

Neil usually let their private celebration end with sex, too, he really didn’t want to make a fuss about it. There was no point trying apathy-filled Andrew get to do fun things. But that couldn’t stop him from being thoughtful. Waking up before him, making coffee, putting some sweets – definitely not cake – in front of him after dinner, getting him a new, _super cool_ black beanie so his ears wouldn’t freeze – the only point on his body that let people know Andrew is a weak being when it came to cold –, organizing ‘video game championship’ night with the one game Andrew was the best at – what else way would it be okay to spend your birthday night than killing vampires –, and later in their new house, getting him a huge aquarium so he could organize his own little water life. 

Because there was one thing Neil knew, but probably nobody else did. Not even Andrew. It was the overwhelming interest Andrew took in fishes. It wasn’t even the sea, it was the fishes. He watched the documentaries that they sometimes caught on television with unwavering attention. Sometimes he burst out the most boring facts about random fishes that somebody mentioned. He could murmur about them for long minutes. It was _adorable_. So Neil never mentioned it. He just kept it as a tiny little secret that was only his. 

By their seventh year, the aquarium was so full, Neil thought of getting a new one for him in November. But then their schedule got released for the season, and they realized, they won’t be near the house for almost a whole month during the last two weeks of October and the first two of November. Their club had the idea that it’s a good thing to have weeklong training camps in the cities they had the games in on Saturdays. 

It was a horrible idea. Getting Andrew dragged around the country when his apathy was consuming him was a torture. Not like Andrew showed any sign of it, really. He was doing what he had to, sometimes getting into pointless fights on the court. Also he refused to talk with most of their teammates, but that wasn’t anything new. The others left him alone, they were satisfied with only talking to Neil. However, Neil hated this. He hated that they can’t really be alone, that he can’t comfort Andrew in their safe place in peace. 

There was no way to celebrate his birthday in any way like this. Neil got the aquarium actually, it was kept in the shop they frequently visited for new fishes, until they could have a few days off to set it all up. But not giving anything _on the day_ drove Neil crazy. 

They were in Seattle that week. They had a game on the third, and they were supposed to travel all day long on the fourth to get to the new place. _What is that even?!_ Neil hated everything. 

At least until he found that flier. He was running the steam off in the morning of the third. It was still dark in the park near their lodging, it was also kind of cold, but he liked to run when nobody was around. His thoughts were running alongside him, they were more than enough company. Then he stopped to stretch under a working lamp by a bench, and as he bent over, the flier was under his feet. 

**Come and see the wonders of the biggest aquarium on the West Coast during the night!  
Sleepover under the sea? Yes, it’s here!**

Neil’s heartrate had no chance to slow down now. _This is it!_ His gaze desperately searched for the date, then relief took over his mind; finally. The program was for that Saturday. _Oh fuck, we need tickets, I need to take Andrew here._

He was ready to sacrifice any money, but he was lucky. At 9 am, when someone finally picked up the phone at the Seattle Aquarium, they informed Neil that tickets are still available. He reserved two, and told the girl, they might arrive only around midnight. She was a little taken aback, but she said it’s fine. 

“You will miss most of the programs, though, sir,” she said in an apologetic tone.

“It’s fine. We really would like to go.”

Now they just had to go through the day. Andrew threw a funny look at him when he finally woke up around eleven – they didn’t have morning practice on game days –, and noticed how hyper he is, but didn’t ask, it was game day, obviously Neil was excited. Neil was actually over his limits. He just wanted the day to end. There has never been a match during his exy career so far that could stir his interest less than this one against the Seattle Greensters. They won – it wasn’t thanks to Neil for sure –, but the only important thing was, they finished without any extra time. It was 9:55 pm when they threw their gears down the floor in the changing-room. 

Their teammates were cheering loud, still high on adrenalin, only Neil and Andrew stood away from their happy circle.

“We need to get going as soon as possible,” Neil said on the lowest volume possible in the discord. Andrew sent a questioningly raised eyebrow towards him. “We have program for the night.”

“Do we now?” Andrew asked back without much interest. 

“Yes, so let’s go to take a shower.” Neil didn’t mind, he wasn’t getting dispirited, he knew it’s going to be fine. 

“I don’t like surprises.” He didn’t move at all.

“Anything new?” Neil’s lips curled up. 

“I don’t like your stupid face either.” 

“Lies, Minyard, lies.” Neil wanted to kiss him, but they had a silent agreement with their team: they don’t show too much gayness into their faces, and they don’t harass them for the little things. Like the squeeze Neil gave to Andrew’s hand now. “Play along with me just this ones, okay?”

The blond man narrowed his eyes in suspicion – Neil guessed, Andrew would love to say no just for getting him worked up –, but the apathy killed off even the least of emotion in him. “Whatever,” he shrugged, then started to undress. 

 

Getting away from their teammates was a pain in the ass, but they could slip into a taxi before 10:30 pm, that was actually better than Neil feared it would be. He gave the address to the driver on a paper – yes, he thought this through pretty well during the day when he couldn’t concentrate on anything else. Andrew rolled his eyes at the scene – they were so brown, so dark –, then turned to the window and didn’t say a word till they parked down. Neil paid, Andrew got out, and the car took off, all while Neil’s stomach was buzzing with excitement. 

“What is this, Josten?” 

The parking lot was well lit, and they were standing just under a lamp, so it might have been just the trick of the lights, but did Andrew’s eyes seemed greener? “It’s the Seattle Aquarium.” 

“I can see that much,” growled Andrew back. “You know, I am turning twenty-seven, not seven.”

“I know.” Neil was smiling from ears to ears. “But how many times were you in an Aquarium since you turned seven?” 

“I have never been even before that.” It was a reflex answer, Andrew hardly burst out facts like this about himself. Especially if he knew it’d make Neil feel uncomfortable. 

The younger’s smile immediately faded a little. “Not even once?” Even Neil went to zoos and aquariums from time to time. Her mother allowed programs like this, because there were so many people that they could hardly have been spotted. 

Andrew just shook his head, then turned back to the massive building that seemed dark blue with its walls made of glass. “The biggest aquarium of the West Coast, huh?” He read one of the promotion signs. “Guess, not so bad to be my first.” 

Neil forced his excitement back as he stepped up to him. “We can stay all night.” 

“Can we now?” he looked up at Neil, and now it was clear, the brown wasn’t just brown anymore. Neil didn’t need to force the enthralled smile now. “Why are you so obsessed with fishes, anyway, wiseass?” he asked as they started off towards the gates. 

Neil just giggled at first, but he knew that’s not enough of an answer. “They are… _adorable_.” 

Andrew snorted, but couldn’t gather enough interest to force a real answer out of Neil. They arrived to the entrance anyway, and the younger started to discuss their reserved tickets. There was nobody around, but that wasn’t a surprise, all the posters said, the events started at nine, they were fairly late. It was 11:40 pm. 

“I assumed, you would be fine not partaking in events full of way too loud kids,” mumbled Neil, as he took Andrew’s hand, and put the plastic bracelet on his wrist. 

“You are hardly right, but this once you weren’t wrong.” 

Neil held up his own wrist for Andrew to deal with his bracelet, then took a big breath as they headed inside. “So. The girl said, we can either join the last of the programs, or wander around. With these bracelets, we have access to every section, you can see everything you want.” 

“I am not the one in love with fishes.” 

“Ah, yeah, you are right.” Neil was ready to go along with this scenario. He didn’t care as long as Andrew felt good. Nothing mattered if Andrew felt good. _If I can make you feel good_. Seven years have passed, but Neil still could drive himself crazy about things concerning Andrew’s wellbeing. Caring more for Andrew than himself, he just couldn’t help that. _Seven years_ … He squeezed the older man’s hand so hard that Andrew looked up at him with his lips a little quirked up. He might have thought Neil was getting excited about the fishes. Neil didn’t mind that. He didn’t mind not saying out his feelings now. 

However, in just a few seconds – steps – Andrew lost interest in him completely. And the world became dark – fortunately not completely. They stepped into the first exhibition room. A jungle actually. The staff made a great job turning this event special, Neil felt some excitement about the real thing for the first time.

All the standard lights were down, and it would have been really dark in there, because of all the plants that literally filled up the huge room, if it weren’t for the smartly placed lamps all around them. Sometime on the trees, in other places under the bushes, all over on the two sides of the path they had to follow. When they looked down from the bridge in the middle of the jungle, Neil even saw some lamps underwater. 

“Oh my goodness, this is awesome,” whispered Neil. He somehow felt like whispering. 

“I can’t really see anything, though,” Andrew grumbled back. 

“I can see all kinds of things moving in the water,” Neil disagreed. “And is that a freaking alligator there?!” His voice immediately raised as he spotted the dark monster by the lake. 

“It’s actually a crocodile,” Andrew corrected him achieving to sound not-matter-of-factly. “It’s head is longer, more like a V then a U. If it was an alligator, it would be a U.”

Neil suppressed a chuckle. “You can see just fine.” 

“It’s getting better, yeah.” He was staring into the water, letting his eyes getting used to the dimness. 

“The sign says there are hundreds of kois in there. It says koi means love in Japanese.” Neil was reading the screen close them. 

“I know.” 

_Of course, you know_.

“They are so loud. They just love to splatter the water so you know they are here. And that they are hungry. Kois are always hungry.” 

Neil squeezed that warm hand again. It was his saying, I love you. _I love how adorably obsessed you are_. He now wished there were more lights. He wanted to stare at Andrew’s face more. Wanting to see his eyes. It was hard to look away from his profile. “Hey, there is feed here. If you put in coins, you can give it to them. Wanna?” 

Andrew’s expression seemed judging even in this light. “You are not supposed to feed them just because they think they are hungry.” 

“Huh?” Neil frowned back. Now he sounded kind of annoying. 

“They were probably fed all day long by dumb kids, then even after the usual closing hours. They don’t need any more feed.”

“Aren’t they splattering the water, because they want it?”

Andrew tugged on his hand, and showed his back to him as he started off. “We can’t always get everything we want, wiseass. Let’s go. I can’t see well enough here.” 

Now Neil did chuckle, but said nothing. 

The next exhibition wasn’t better lit either. At least the parts that weren’t in water. They walked down a twisty corridor that had black carpeting and dark walls, and only the separated, different sized aquariums in the walls had lights. 

Walked down wasn’t really a good word to describe what they did, though. They were more like crawling. Like a snail. Just as slow as a snail. 

Andrew stared into every tank so long that Neil, after just five minutes, wanted to let go of his hand and go ahead. Or yawn. He didn’t dare to do any of it. He even pushed himself to look interested. He felt like a hero. A very good partner. A hero partner. _Oh god, they all look the same. And they do nothing just swim. What is so fascinating about fishes?_ He didn’t dare to ask either.

They read every panel, then stared into the aquariums until Andrew surely spotted every one of the inhabitants. Neil felt like it would be fun to quiz Andrew about the facts he absorbed in the last 40 minutes, but he hardly could remember anything. 

“40 minutes,” he mumbled now, then looked down to his watch. “Shit. It’s passed midnight. By 30 minutes already. 32. Shit.” 

Andrew snorted, then straightened up, and for the first time in 40 minutes, actually paid attention to Neil. “Wondered when you would notice.”

“Lies, Minyard, lies. You weren’t wondering about anything concerning me,” Neil rolled his eyes. 

“You are always wandering around in the back of my head.” 

A smirk appeared on the younger man’s face. “Just a few years ago you could have added, ‘ _because I hate you and always coming up with ideas how to kill you, Josten_ ’.” Neil was very satisfied with how his Andrew impersonation sounded in his head. “Don’t even bother with that by now.” 

“I wasn’t going to.” 

Neil narrowed his eyes a little, then tilted his head to the left. “Then it’s just utterly sappy.”

Andrew shrugged. Then pulled a little back when Neil leaned closer to his face. “What?!” 

They were close to the pretty big aquarium next to them, and the illumination finally gave enough light to take a good look at Andrew’s eyes. They were so green. The outer parts were as green as the alga behind them in the water. His pupils weren’t widened that much, so Neil still saw the brown around them, but that was alright. They weren’t dark brown. Cloudy brown. Disturbed brown. 

“You are creeping me out.” Andrew slapped his palm on Neil’s eyes, then pushed him away a little. “You are like some eye doctor sometimes.” 

“Oh, if you could hear my thoughts,” Neil laughed, then peeled of that hand from his face. He didn’t let it go, so now they stood in front of each other with holding both of their hands. Two, grown up men standing lamely staring at each other – _I bring the lame, Andrew is never lame_ – just half a meter away, holding both of their hands. “Happy birthday.”

It was weird saying this. Saying it not in their room, not in bed, not even panting it into Andrew’s ear after sex. 

“Yeah.” That was the usual answer, though. Andrew acknowledging it, but can’t really handle the situation better. 

“I wanna kiss you.” Neil was already leaning forward a little. He was already running his right hand up Andrew’s arm. He stopped it on the older man’s neck, just under his ear, feeling the soft hair tickling his fingers a little. He needed a haircut. “Yes or no?” 

The snort was for all the memories those three words brought back. “You don’t need my permission.” 

No, Neil didn’t need it. He was actually already pulling Andrew close before the answer. He put his left arm around Andrew’s waist, while pressing his lips to the other’s. It wasn’t a heated kiss. They had different kinds by now. Calm ones. I-love-you-and-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-fact-that-I-could-fuck-you-right-here ones. Warm kisses. This was one of them. Neil felt happy and content when Andrew’s hand wandered up to his cheek and started to stroke his scars. He took a peek at the older man’s face, but his eyelids were closed. Neil imagined the gold into his iris. He wished them there, because he wished Andrew could feel as good as he did. 

It took them almost three hours to get to the Underwater Dome. By that time most of the kids were asleep, but faint murmurs were still audible. There were sleeping bags all over the floor, so it was impossible to get anywhere near a good spot. Neil regretted a little for not getting there earlier. “We need to come back here when there is nobody around,” he whispered, not wanting to disturb anyone.

“We should probably break in to do that. It must be full all the time anyway.” 

Because it was amazing. Breathtaking. A wonder. 

They were standing under the sea. Neil doubted his imagination was powerful enough to actually understand what it would be to lie down right in the middle of the dome. They were standing in a tank. _How big does it have to be?_ In 360° degree there was water around them. Water and life. A shark just passed by them, and a ray desperately tried to get their attention just above. Neil unconsciously lifted his hand to touch it, and he couldn’t even be disappointed for only feeling the glass. He was too taken in. 

For long minutes he couldn’t even focus on Andrew next to him, he was looking up the whole time, wishing to be in the middle, alone here. _We should go diving in the summer. I might love that, damn._

“Hey.” Andrew tugged on his sleeve. They weren’t holding hands anymore. “I understand that you love your fishes, but can we go?” 

Neil frowned. “Where?” 

The blond man only answered with jerking his head back, towards the corridor they arrived from. 

_Away_. Neil caught up pretty fast. Too many people. Too light actually. The illumination came from the water only, but when you are in the middle of an aquarium, that means light everywhere. 

Neil looked into Andrew’s eyes. They didn’t seem to get worse, they were still warm green. “Okay. But promise me, we’ll break in here sometime. I am enchanted.” _For the first time tonight. I mean, first time for something that doesn’t concern you_.

“Yeah, let’s not plan our breaking and entering right here.” 

They started to walk back. “We’re both supervillains when it comes to lock-picking, it can’t be that hard.” 

Andrew was staring above them, as that tunnel was also part of the huge tank that contained the dome. “I would steal a ray. We could have it in your stupid aquarium at home.” 

“Yeah, they seem adorable.” Neil lifted his hand again. A ray was following them. “I wouldn’t mind having them around in _my_ aquarium.” 

Andrew frowned at the obvious pressing of the ‘my’, but they both stuck to their story. 

“Where do you wanna go? Did you mean go as get out of here?”

“No.” The answer was quick and definite. It made Neil smile like a boy. 

Now that they were alone again, Neil leant really close to Andrew, and linked their fingers together. “I ordered one more tank. It’s waiting in the store.” He couldn’t keep the excited smirk out of his tone. 

“Oh.” The older one looked up at him right away, and Neil saw a smile. A tiny smile that even reached Andrew’s eyes. 

“Yeah. You will need to help to get it looking good.” 

“Why would I do that?” 

“Because your brain is full of useable knowledge. I might put piranhas and kois together in it. Or a shark. Who knows, I’m capable of very bad things.” 

A very loud, disturbed groan left Andrew’s throat. “You’d put fish that can only exist in saltwater to a freshwater tank.” His deep frown almost made Neil laugh. “Or choose male and females ones _again_.”

“Hey! Our baby fishes were cute.” This time he did chuckle at the memory. They had a hard time dealing with tens of clownfishes in the summer when they got the first tank. That time Neil went to the store alone, and the lady still didn’t know them enough to stop him from buying a pair. She thought Neil wants to breed them. 

“Were they? How come you murdered them then?” asked Andrew with rolling his eyes. “And they are called fry.” 

That shut Neil up. He really shouldn’t have gone any near of that aquarium. He bought tiger barbs, because they looked cool. He bought them without knowing anything about them. Andrew had training with the goalkeepers late that night. Neil put the new fishes in the tank, then drove to the stadium to pick Andrew up. By the time they got home, there were no baby fishes anymore. That was the last time Neil bought fish alone. 

“So… how big is it?” 

Neil was glad to be saved from feeling bad. “Double the size of the one we have.”

They walked around for another ten minutes talking – Andrew did 90% of it – about what they could put in the new accessory of the house. They reached the second biggest tank in the aquarium. It was fifteen meters wide and at least three meters high. The color of the water was very light blue near the glass, but it got darker away from it, and it was hard to see the other wall. Colorful coral reefs and cliffs took up almost half of the tank, and they were so nicely lit up, the pair spent almost an hour here for the first time, too. 

“Wanna sit down?” Neil pointed to the very comfortable looking pillows on the floor. The first time they didn’t sit down, Andrew had to carefully check the inhabitants from up close.

Andrew just nodded, then walked up to the exact middle of the aquarium, and sat down cross-legged. Neil didn’t follow him right away. He couldn’t help taking a picture of Andrew’s small, dark body in front of the enormous and beautiful scene. He thought using that as wallpaper on his laptop would be wonderful.

With a silly smile on his face, he literally jumped to the floor, lying down on his stomach. Fortunately, the pillows weren’t just comfortable looking. He propped himself up on his elbows, and forced himself to watch the water, and not Andrew. It was really calming – no, not boring –, and he felt very content. Happy even. 

“Hey.” Neil had no idea how much time passed in silence, but Andrew was deeply enchanted when he started to talk again. Neil had time to change position – he folded his arms under the pillow and only peeked up at Andrew after putting his head down – while the other got out of his own head. 

“Hm?” 

Neil yawned. “Can we go diving in the summer?”

“No way.”

“Why?”

“I hate swimming.” 

The younger man rolled his eyes. “Just because you are bad at it, no need to hate it.” Andrew didn’t even deny the accusation. He was a horrible swimmer. “Diving seems easier, anyway. We can take a course, then see.” 

“I’ve watched enough documentaries to know, it’s not easier, Josten.” 

Neil felt too sleepy to argue more. For now. “We need to leave after five,” he mumbled, already with his eyes close. 

“What are you sleeping for, idiot?” Andrew’s voice barely reached him anymore. 

Neil dreamed of the sea. He was swimming all alone in the endless blue, but it didn’t feel lonely at all. Sunrays pierced through the surface, painting the sandy seabed shining gold. Neil was swimming toward it, sometimes accompanied with a bale of turtles or troops of different fishes, but never could really reach it. Probably he didn’t try hard enough. It was more like a game, having fun with the inhabitants of the water made Neil happy, too. He somehow knew reaching the gold is important, but also sensed, there is no need to hurry. When a fluther of jellyfish surrounded him, Neil realized for the first time he is dreaming. The fluther stroke him with their tentacles gently, never stinging him. It felt really pleasing. 

However, as he got more and more aware of being in a dream, it started to fade away around him. With incomprehensible murmurs, he buried his face deep into the pillow. 

“It’s five.”

It took Neil a few seconds to understand Andrew’s announcement, then finally turned toward him. The aquarium was so bright for his eyes that he only barely opened one. “Were you stroking me?” he asked with hoarse voice. The answer was a grimace only. “I dreamed of a fluther of jellyfish stroking me with their tentacles.” With yawns, he finally pushed himself up, then kneeled next to Andrew.

“Be glad it was a dream then. You would be so dead.”

“Yeah, but I could be even more glad if you admitted you were stroking my head.”

“I don’t lie.” 

“Sure you don’t.” Neil laughed, then leant closer to Andrew. He wanted to kiss the older one, but suddenly came to a stop just a few inches away from him. “Oh my goodness.” The awe-full whisper almost unconsciously broke out of him. Neil lifted his hand, then gently put it on Andrew’s face, and while stroked his skin lightly with his thumb, bit into his lower lip. 

Neil couldn’t say anything, because there were no words to describe his feelings, or the beauty he saw. He was just staring into Andrew’s golden eyes and peaceful face and tried not to cry. Neil wasn’t much of a crier. He could suppress almost anything. Yet the feeling that filled his chest now almost welled up through his eyes. It was too much. It was more than anything he’s ever felt. It was a happiness he couldn’t even imagine before. 

“You are such a creeper.” 

Hearing that made Neil smile even with his lip still bitten. “How are you feeling?” he asked really quietly. 

The answer was a shrug. Neil wanted to hug him so bad, but then he wouldn’t be able to see his eyes, and no, nothing could have made him do that now. He knew it won’t last forever. He knew it can’t. Nobody can be happy all the time. Fall will come again, the cloudy brown will return, but… _You are still capable of it. You are still capable of being just happy_. Neil had to tilt his head to the left and tear his look away for a second. 

Maybe that gave Andrew the push to open his mouth again. “Thanks.” 

The turn of Neil’s head was slow. He had to swallow back the things he could have said. The explanation of this situation, the comments of the beauty of those eyes, the questions to get Andrew actually say everything he wanted to hear for sure. “What?” his voice broke, but then he cleared his throat. “You don’t even like fishes.”

“No, I don’t.” _I love you, though. I love you way too much_. Andrew finally finished the kiss Neil started, and he put all the unsaid parts into it. 

Neil couldn’t just remain the light on the top of the slope like Cass. He didn’t just make Andrew’s eyes reflect the brightness as proof of a false happiness. Neil got inside for real, and gave light in the darkness. He led Andrew out of the bottom of the pit, and even if he fell back from time to time, he never fell to the bottom again. Andrew’s way led up not because he wanted to reach the light, but because the light was always near him to help taking the steps. He wasn’t chasing an illusion, this life was real, Neil always got around to confirm him about that. 

A cold drizzle welcomed them outside. It was dark, and the wind made the cold icy even. Neil hid his face into Andrew’s shoulder to cover it from the cold until they waited for their taxi. Fall was his least favorite season, nothing could change that. He was just glad that it’s gotten shorter and shorter every year. And now, he might even be able to enjoy the gold in it that people always loved to talk about.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't ask where the fishes came from. I was just wondering one day what could be the most unnecessary information to stick in Andrew's endless memory, and how to make that into something cute.


End file.
